In general, my epilepsy is very manageable. I'm well controlled on medication and besides a few small breakthrough seizures, most of which I'm conscious for (epilepsy's a strange and often misrepresented disorder- it's not all falling down/ shaking/ biting your tongue, just fyi), I'm pretty healthy.

But then there are these weird episodes when you know your body's not quite right, and you're pretty sure it's linked to your epilepsy, but you're not totally sure... good signs that you've had seizures in the night? Waking up with blood on your pillow, waking up with a burst blood vessel in your eye, wetting the bed in the night, spraining thumbs in your sleep....... it's scary to wake up and think that in such a vulnerable and safe place- sleep- your body was out of control. Sleep/ night/ bed is such a haven for me- a shelter- and I hate to poison it with fears of seizures while i'm dormant.

you probably sense that i'm getting at something. I'm pretty sure I had a seizure in my sleep last night- but it's just that whole realm of the unknown that I hate. Does it really matter, the knowing? Maybe not. But my very nature- and maybe all of human nature- drives me to demand answers... to want to know, to seek truth, and facts.

it can be frustrating.

Both cats are on the porch, crouching on the water-logged boards, watching a loud, obnoxious and radiantly red robin chirp his heart out and hop up and down the banister in hopes to get some food from the feeder.

He must be trying to ward them off with his strikingly loud chirp- he stares right at them while hopping up and down, beak opening and closing, sounding like a squeaky toy underneath a foot.

I can see the muscles tighten in the cats' bodies as they wait, impatiently, to make their move. Tails swishing about. But the robin knows all too well that this is his game, and they're only pawns.

Now Leo has decided to make his move- he found that charging the robin didn't work, as the robin relocated to the small, sloping rooftop from where the birdfeeder hangs but did not cease and desist his horrible chirping. In a last ditch effort, Leo, pretending to lose interest, ran back inside to the other side of the room, under the dining room table, crouched down, and started chattering (and, if you've never seen or heard a cat chatter... it's very creepy).... then ran across the room, low- belly down to the ground like a stealthy black and white soldier and lunged again, unsuccessfully at the robin.

The robin has called in some reinforcements now... two are outside, chirping and bouncing around the porch and the cats are feigning non-interest. Itty Bitty, never the huntress (besides a few buzzing, dying flies here and there) has flopped over on her side- a clear indication that she is done with this game... and Leopold, in his defeat, has resorted to lying, hunched in the corner next to the recycling bin, yellow eyes squinted mostly shut and peering around.

Life.

Today is absolutely beautiful... blue skies dappled with unobtrusive, fluffy clouds, bright sun, chirping birds...

I'm eating hummus and chips, leopold is watching kids in a field out the window. Life continues to be good, albeit a bit tumultuous as times, as life can be. Nothing I can't handle... nothing I don't dislike, even- what's life without a little spice?

There's just enough breeze coming through my bedroom window to remind me that it's summer- that I'm alive- that things are good- that I'm content. We're all content here, and that's a beautiful thing. I hear tell of rain in for the weekend but I'll live- there are worse things in life than rain.

If you miss my daily charm and wit (and come on, I know you do..) this is the blog I've been dedicating most of my time to: http://happybambino.wordpress.com/

TRUE, TRUE, it mostly deals with baby products, cloth diapering issues, and chemicals like BPA and phthalates but my voice rings true, and at least you'll get a little tastes of my effervescent charm. ;)

.........................I'm too busy.....................

What to do with my holiday?

I think I'll celebrate by running errands at target. Then, I may sun myself by the pool (the pool in my apartment complex just opened... niiiice)... and maybe clean the litter box and organize my crafting desk a bit.. throw out things I don't need... clean the bathroom, scrub the tub... oh, what a great holiday I have planned!

Tonight we're going to Tina's to cook portobella mushrooms and make caprese salads and wine and dine with her and the kids and betsy.... yes. In the meantime, I'll entertain myself with various charades of homemaking.

Up at 6, despite my alarm scheduled for 8. Leopold and Bitster are sitting in the sliding glass window, watching rain water the plants on my porch. Two tomato plants fell over and I had a weak moment wondering if I should bring them in, but all of my plants are so thirsty, it seems necessary.


I think I'll get in 2 hours of work before going to work. We're building this new website and it's kind of kicking my ass. It can take hours to upload one product at times. There's just so much to do. I'm working completely solo today, and I feel a bit nervous about it. Opening, closing, everything... alone. It's rainy, so maybe it won't be super busy. Hard to say.

This weekend is "Brat Fest"- Cassie, can you explain to me Midwesterners obsession with cheese, beer, and smoked meats? This is a huge draw for people, I've heard mention of brat fest more times than I deem necessary for such an event, and then yesterday charlie says, mid-day, while i'm working, "Sweetie! It's BRAT FEST!!!"

yeah. no.

I guess if I had spent my entire life in the same flat, long-wintered town, cheese, beer, and smoked meat would excite me too. And really, if you examined the things that do excite me, they're no better. I'm just not represented by a group of people.

I was standing on my porch last night in the very beginnings of summer heat, surveying the lush green arboreal landscape, watching the wind blow through fields of grass, turning it belly up and exposing its purple side, smelling the sweet, new, lily-white flower blossoms that hang heavy and full in the trees.. and i was flooded with this overwhelming sense- I'm happy.

Happy. Not just content. But actually happy. Happy to be alive, happy to be here. Happy to be there. Just, in general, happy.

Maybe it's just love that does that to you? I hear that love is blinding, but I don't find it to be so. I think I'm faced daily with many of charlie's faults-- and vice versa-- and we just know, accept, and love each other regardless.

sometimes we talk about moving to the west coast, starting an organic farm... that makes me excited. but for the first time in my life, i'm not chomping at the bit to advance my situation. I'm content right where I am, and I could stay here for a while, happily. It's nice to not feel restless. It's nice to feel right.

today is a *real* day off.

i slept in, and didn't feel guilty about it. then i lounged in bed. thought about life. enjoyed myself.

played on the computer. caught up with friends.

got my hair cut. went to target. bought a beautiful rug for my kitchen (beautiful little circle rug with a flower on it, matches the red walls... it's great).

now i'm home doing a deep conditioning treatment on my hair and sewing. I'm about to pop in a movie. today is a complete day off. pamper. don't do any work. I love it. my days off thus far have been task-oriented and busy. Later, I'll go to the bank. that will be an errand. But I can handle it. It'll be nice to get out for a minute. i should consider eating something too... but, I'll get to that :)

Up eating chips and salsa after midnight. Charlie told me recently that he didn't want me to gain or lose any weight because he thought i was perfect, and that if i started losing weight, he'd start feeding me carbs at bedtime. funny.


i'm listening to music from last summer. doesn't that always mess you up? it very well may be the habanero and lime salsa that's bringing tears to my eyes... in some ways, a year ago seems so close and in others, so far. my mindset right now is so different, my thought processes evolved so drastically over the year. I went through big changes in a mere 365 days. I'm not just talking about the move, though I think I was becoming prepared to leave, unbeknownst to me, through a growth process.

I never would have been ready to leave Boston, my job, my friends. And then, all of a sudden, I was. Even the day that I packed up and left boston, I didn't know if things would work out with charlie, but I did know that the move was right. And here I am. Living. Surviving. In love. And happy. I made the right decision.

so sitting here, listening to music from last summer, thinking about how fresh and green everything was, how my heart beat so differently, for different things, how my mind was entangled in different thoughts... and feeling a sad tug at my heart... it doesn't have to do with wishing i was back there. it's a form of reminiscing.

in a year, i'll look back and reminisce about this night that i stayed up late in that cute Madison apartment listening to okkervil river, Leopold meticulously cleaning himself on top of tina's mattress, crab apples fresh in bloom, love new in my heart, city fresh, unfolding, and full of secrets.

Coffee and greek style yogurt with maple syrup- this is how i start every morning.

I wish I didn't have to work today, it being saturday. At least it's raining, so I don't feel so much like I'm missing something great.

The constant rain has caused green to creep in every which way. Flowers are blooming, plants are coming up, and the smell of spring hangs heavy in the air.

Though I miss my friends, I'm still happy, continuously. And I'm making new friends, which is exciting.

I'm excited by the thought of moving farther west someday. To bigger mountains (because, wait, Wisconsin's flat), to greener fields, away from modular homes. I spend my free time thinking of building a house at the end of a long driveway somewhere in the hills of california, or oregon, or washington....

it's nice.