on my porch again- this is my new favorite night time place to write... underneath the tomato plants, struggling to produce fruit through the bouts of heat followed by days of rain, in their little place of captivity.

two days ago, i went for my normal run and it induced a seizure. nothing serious, but nothing good... and i've been afraid to run since.

right away, i knew something was wrong. i was rounding the corner out of my complex when my hands and arms became tingly and tight, as if i'd been running for days straight, but i kept going. next thing i knew, i was blinking back spots of black and willing myself not to faint, and still, i kept running... kept pushing myself to continue, to not quit, to make it through the run.

when my former boss, eli, promoted me to a new position at mbeans he said, "elissa, do you know why you'll be perfect for this job? because you have the highest GSD in the company. that means you get shit done." it's true... my gsd drive is almost overactive- definitely a trait inherited from the loins and lineage of keri bristow, and one i'm proud of. but it's not the best trait to mix with epilepsy. it means that when i need to stop and take a breather, either physically or mentally, i won't allow myself to. because i just have too much shit to get done. charlie's good at patrolling this trait... sometimes irritatingly so.

anyways, post-run i was fine, and spent the evening watching tv and drinking water and felt mostly back to normal though a little glum... but the residual feeling of fear still lingers. that's the worst part about epilepsy. it causes a reaction of fear in your body so that you will cease and desist whatever you are doing and seek safety. even if you are safe. but it's all learning- growing- understanding.

apparently there's a meteor shower tonight though i see no signs of that now. the sky is dappled with a few stars. jingles of dog collars and people coming and going from their apartments remind me that i coexist. hopefully there will be a good show tonight, but like i said- the skies are pretty empty now.